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4:55 p.m. - 2004-12-27
A Serious Entry
Gosh, it hurts to know that so many people are jealous of me. For the wrong reasons, I mean. It's even worse that most of these people aren't strangers, they aren't random people that I meet on the street, they're family.

I guess green eyes were the dominant trait in the gene pool.

I purchased the house in September. I moved in it in October. It's nice. I KNOW that and it wasn't that expensive. It's in a new, nice, and quiet subdivision. I never really ever thought I'd be a homeowner at such a young age. In fact, it's over halfway paid off already. Sounds like I must've won the lottery right? Or be rich as shit.....

I'm not.

So how can I have already paid off $170k of my mortgage? My family knows the answer...and they still decide to hate. My mom died not so long ago. In fact, it will be 3 years on January 26. Her death was the result of an accident, and the day the accident happened, she knew she was gonna die. So that night, as she told me how she wanted me to plan her funeral she also mandated one last thing: sue the hell out of everyone.

My mom isnt even the type to sue anyone. In 93 she had a bad car accident due to a wrong prescription given to her by Kaiser. Lawyers were clamoring for her to sue, it would be worth millions due to the severity of the accident, but she said no because she said God blessed her by letting her continue her life. That was admirable and I said that I would be the same way. I was until she died and I remembered her words. So the apartments where the accident happened and the hospital were sued. I got a huge chunk of change, which in addition to her insurance policies, gave me enough to buy a house, pay for grad school, purchase a new car, a boat, and have some leftover to invest.

All of these things are a lot for a 24 year old, I know. The boat was a little extravagant, but I wanted it. She always told me that if I wanted something, to go get it and dont' worry about anyone else. And I don't, for the most part. But this holiday I saw a lot of my family (dinner was at my house) and more than once someone tried to make me feel uncomfortable for having so many wordly possessions. Someone actually suggested that I should have put them through school instead and someone else stated that we should have had dinner elsewhere because I was just trying to show off. Anyone who knows me knows that that doesnt sound like me in the least. That was hurtful, especially because they know what I had to lose in order to gain.

How many times have I cried at night and wished that I could be gone too so that I would not have to feel the pain of not having my best friend here any longer?

How many times have I wished that I could just ask the Lord for my mother back, and give up anything that I have gained since she has departed this Earth?

Do they realize that I cried the entire time I was preparing Christmas dinner because that was the bonding time between my mother and I?

I mean seriously, what am I supposed to do? And what am I supposed to say? All I know is, I consider them the lucky ones because no one in my family realizes what it's like to lose their mother except for my sister, my dad, and my aunt. Out of all the people there, there were only 3 other people that understood. But even my aunt seemed jealous. smh I don't get it but I know that they don't know any better, so I have to forgive them.

[edit]i'm tired and i just feel like crying all over the place. people are blowing me left and right and i'm so effin tired[/edit]

 

 

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