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10:36 p.m. - 2005-03-28
Part 1
Okay, it's been a long time. I really haven't felt up to updating honestly, a lot of stuff going on, some of it i probably wont remember to mention until later because ADD is a bitch.

I've been busy with my friend J. We were hanging out on the 17th for her birthday and all of a sudden I remembered a dream I had had about a week earlier concerning fish. Most of us know what that means. I've never had a fish dream before, so I was curious about how important the fish are in the dream and in what capacity, like are they swimming in a lake, are they being eaten, or even being discussed? Well, in my dream the fish were prominent in every way imaginable. i remember the dream after she tells me that she has taken 5 pregnancy tests and they all resulted in "error" So I tell her the dream because I knew I wasnt pregnant and we promptly went to Wa.lMart and bought her a test. I convince her to buy a 2-pack because shoot, if she doesn't want it, I could just keep it. We hang out for a little while longer and she goes home. She calls me when she gets home because she took one of the tests and it says "error" again. I go ahead and inform her that the only time I've ever gotten an error on an e*p*t is when I was pregnant. I ended up calling the phone number on the box and whoever answered the phone told me that maybe I used too much pee on it. So I tell her to take it later with a little less pee. I thought she was gonna wait til the next day but she did it about 15 minutes later and all of a sudden I hear crying. So...I do the good friend thing and tell her that God will make a way for her to care for this baby along with the daughter she has already. I mean, she knows I'll help with whatever I can, I do so already with her daughter, that's why her nickname is "baby mama" because I do more for her and her daughter than her daughters father ever has. but anyway, so she doesnt want to call the guy because she doesnt know how to tell him and because she knows that he'll be able to hear in her voice that she does NOT want that child.

she doesnt believe in abortion, so it was hard for her to imagine going through a pregnancy not wanting the child. I asked her why doesnt she want it and she says that she knows he's gonna be a deadbeat because he has no goals and I encourage her to call him because he may surprise her and that the pregnancy may be the thing to motivate him to do better. So she calls...and cusses him out. they talk for a while, and she ends up hanging up on him. i still dont know the entire conversation, i just know that when I called her later, she picked up the phone and hung up. She did it 3 times before i stopped trying. I figured she was mad at me for making her call but later on that morning she tells me that she didnt look @ the caller ID, she just assumed it was him the entire time.

i had needed to talk to her too because i had just talked to M and our talk was so emotional I was crying and didnt know how to react. I was just blown. He came over that night just to get some things off of his chest. he told me how he had/has every intention to marry me and that he keeps trying to do the right thing so that i will take him back but im not acting right and a lot of other stuff. it was just a lot for me to take right then. he brought back the stuff he hadnt given back already too. he ended up staying the night downstairs and i didnt even sleep that night. 6 o'clock comes and baby mama calls me saying she didnt sleep all night. so she tells me about the conversation and then she tells me that she called the hospital about her results and they told her to come in because she was getting errors on different test brands. she doesnt go to the hospital that day because she had to go to work (her 3rd day at a new job). she decides that she's gonna go on tuesday morning so that i can go with her. i tell her to go ahead and she says she's scared so i say alright.

fast forward to sunday. i think that's when i tried to update before i had to leave. she calls me and tells me that she's bleeding. i'm worried because saturday night i had a dream she miscarried. we decide to go to the hospital down the street from her moms house. we're there for about 2 hrs before they see her.

so later on she comes out. she was having a miscarriage when she came in. all i could do was cry when she told me that because deep down i'd known it was gonna end that way ever since she found out she was pregnant. they tell her that she was 13 weeks, but they cant determine why she had it.

so i've been consoling her for the past week about that. she's feeling extra guilty because she didnt want the baby to start with and i still dont know what to say in response to that except everything happens for a reason. I dont understand why He does a lot of things but I don't question Him anymore.

Okay, I think I'm gonna split this up into another entry.

 

 

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