2:56 p.m. - 2005-08-03
These Men
I need to calm the hell down. Right now, and I don't know if it's just today or what, well yesterday and today, I just want to cut everyone off. I don't just mean my male associates, but people that I come in contact with on a semiregular or regular basis. This morning I called Luis, that's the guy who proposed, and told him that he couldn't marry me, then I went ahead and told him about everyone I messed with since I've been down here in Tampa. I shouldn't have done that because it wasn't for his benefit, it was for mine and to just make it worse for me, he cried and told me that he forgives me for that, because he isn't here, but it hurts him. I didn't want forgiveness... I just wanted to cleanse my conscience. I love him but I'm not in love with him, we really have not known each other that long and I know that people can learn to love each other but all I'm saying is right now is not the time for us. I don't even think I have the time to nurture a relationship, being busy with school and my family. Anyway, that's besides the point.
I go home next weekend, and classes begin on the 18th. I told Pop on Monday that we were done. I'm a little blown by the fact that I look like I could be the sister of his ex-wife and that his current girlfriend and I could almost pass for twins, she's just a lot shorter than me. Shit like that is a lil too weird for me. lol What ever happened to varied tastes??
And J (guy in Ohio) still loves me. I love him too, but once again, it's a case of the "but not in loves" He and I both know that this won't work unless one of us moves....and I know it won't be me. No matter what, he'll always be a good friend. I guess I'm glad that he's not in Georgia otherwise I'd have to choose between him and Luis, though I probably would have never dated Luis had J been local.
I need to be by myself for a while and just really think shit out. Right now I just really think that I shouldn't mess with anyone. I don't want to say that though because I know as soon as I get home, I'll probably feel differently.
